rossville breezeway

fall is death
breath cold, visible.
the sky like bondo.
seems very near.
wind whizgigging, punishes.
leaves dance to the dirge.
eyes sweating steel,
smile cracked.

americana folk festival

maybe i need a mouse

today is no ordinary saturday. a few hours ago i experienced a subculture that few realize exist. i most certainly had no knowledge of these courageous, imaginitive, over smiling and apparently unbusied people. these are the people that i found during a morning visit to the local mall. i enter the mall and it is as if i just stepped through the back of cs lewis' giant wardrobe. no, there was no snow. however, animals were bounding to and fro. a hint of urine in the air and pet dander underfoot. a quick breath on the lenses of my glasses, cause i must get a cleaner look. this cant be true. but yes, yessiree! we have got ourselves a costume contest. and the contestants...apparently any animal that you have been fortunate enough to domesticate and convince to don some rediculous apparel. i saw painted ponies, chewbacca chows, and the most heart warming labs dressed like the wicked witch of the west. and the owners, proud does not do justice to the emotion that radiated from these smiles. for the first time i realized the cause of that giant void in my life. and it hit my like a flying squirrel. of course there is a lack of purpose, a discontent, i do not own a a giant field mouse, nor the costume to dress him up so that he will look like bugs bunny.

a strange kinda thanks

a couple of weeks ago my wonderful car expressed the desire for a new engine. it did this at the expense of both convenience and my finances. and in the end, it communicated very clearly that it would not go on unless its demands were met. so being the caring owner and darn good friend, i paid the lovely people at saturn $2,700 dollars to install a brand new engine.

and she thanked me.

a week later i face planted her into a pick-up truck. i do not think this was appreciated. no one was hurt and the man i hit seemed to take it well. his only words, which he repeated for about 5 minutes, was "man, you really screwed yourself. i mean, man you have really screwed yourself" i politely thanked the man for his brilliant observation and explained how sorry i was that i bent his bumper. now my saturn sits in front of the house unable to provide transport.

but let me tell you something. i have not been inconvenient in the least. i am now like one of those friends that needs to borrow the truck so that i can move. but baby i am moving everyday and i need your help cause i got two fold out couches and a china cabinet that does not come apart.

good friends. good family. everyone has given generously. today my brother drove to my house so that i could have a car today. my good friend kelly has driven me to the airport in nashville 2 hours away and then picked me up a week later in nashville at 11 pm.

i have not been inconvenienced my friends have. friday a co-worker picked me up and drove my home. and i finally got the chance to get to know her. beautiful.

hopefully i will repair my car soon. but i woke this morning saying something like this, "thank you god for great friends, great family, new relationships, and for my wrecked car."

waiting to see Your reflection in the mud

finally, i sit, i write. it has been quite some time since my last post and the world, my life, has seen change that has made it difficult to put to words. I have sat down to this mighty box of wires countless times. I have written drafts that never made it public and i have also sat and wept unable to do what i teach my eighth graders to do, construct a simple sentence with complete subject and complete predicate. and now as i attempt to pull my poor grammer skills together, i ask in advance for your forgiveness for the many errors in these words that i string together.

today riding to school i saw an uncomfortable looking man that appeared to have just robbed the salvation army by putting on every single item of clothing in the store. to say that he was overdressed for the 70 degree morning would be an understatement that i dare not qualify. he was doubled over staring into a mud puddle and that sight gave me my best understanding of the last 5-7 months. clear as mud?

my nephew will died last tuesday. lived for 4 months. fought for 4 months. blessed many for life. died giving.

born with more physical compications than most endure in a lifetime. blessed with parents that love like christ. prayer did not bring healing, but the kingdom came.

i was always positive. and i prayed. and i thought i knew gods will. i pictured will on the tip of mikes long board, riding a wave in costa rica years down the road. i believed gods plan for will was to triumph over all his hardship reveal christ power and mercy for years to come. will died last tuesday and i have never felt so sad. never felt so foolish. to think i knew gods will. to think god allowed me to see his plan. how foolish. man i had faith.

now i sit and i feel, i sit and i see, pain. pain. so much. no answer, and yet that is what i have searched for. and i finally realize that i do not want an answer. if god was to give me an answer for this tragedy it would minimize all. will's life and death can not, must not, be minimized to some earthly answer. he was and is so much larger than my petty, self reassuring answer. will is gods radical love. painful and mystirious. merciful and just. but never understood by me.

my sister and my brother have lost a boy not bound for greatness, but one who found and lived to be great. not one who searched for gods will, but lived gods will. he was gods will. not one who searched for gods love, but fully expereinced gods love from the womb, thru death. not one who searched for a loving community but lived within a loving community since conception. will lived a hard physical life, but never once searched for love. that boy had so many loving him. i met him only twice. i met him only twice, but twice i saw an imperfect heart, an imperfect lip, and a perfect gift. perfect. beautiful, lip like mine, but a heart so much greater. all he did was give, all he did was fight. not just for his life, but for his parents, for his sister, for all those who were praying. will wanted to live, who would not want to live with the parents he had and the sister he saved.

i try to make this something good. to put a postive twist to this. but as best i write, (which is not very good) as best i think, it all seems so shitty. god says knock and he will answer. well stacy and mike pounded. god said ask, well we all begged. god said seek and i am pretty sure we all searched. i do not understand. but i believe. i love. but shit, all that it is, brings the deepest sadness, the darkest and longest night.

may the sun please rise.




thy kingdom come, quickly.

His Will

i love my family.
i am truely blessed.
i pray for my friends to experience all that my family has experienced of late,
God help me realize the beauty of it all.

i breathe deep and think of the pollen ive taken
squint at the crafted blue sky
no day was ever made better
as if the air knew what temperature my skin desired
not that i know, but every breeze brings goodness
the dandilions are pressing now, soon to conquer
perhaps waiting orders from the chick weeds
i exhale and feed the trees, we happily exchange gifts
plead with the horizon to keep the sun from setting
but i feel the moons jealousy, as if it were telling the sun its time was up
the staged entrance is well rehearsed, no glich in the exchange
and the act continues
the sky is bruised now, only bleeding at the seem
nothing appears desperate,
the ants have ceased marching.

no mattress on my saturn...yet

I would love to say that i am sitting comfortably in my newly remodeled home. Yes, it is february 1, the move in date. I was hoping to be able to strap my mattress to the top of my saturn and drive that baby over today, but i reconsidered. Once again the Lord has gifted me with discernment, and i have decided to wait until i have a proper bathroom, a room that remotely resembles a kitchen and perhaps hot water, but i do not want to get greedy. Patience has morphed into a cup of tension tamer tea. It tastes like toilet water, makes your face contort in ways you thought only happenned when you vomited, but in the end your happy as hell to be drinking it. I will be the mansion soon and hopefully we can all tame the tension at my place.