im fryin' big fish

when a man hits 30 hes got to start thinking about the welfare of his favorite pair of pants. dont let the birthday spankings get out of hand.
happy birthday mike, happy birthday. i love you. this glass of nog is raised to you, your wife (my beautiful sister) and the little stav.

no need to scratch, this thing is oozing smell

i have not thought much about this post but i wanted to share a strange phenomena. my left hand smells like maple syrup. yes,...no kidding...let it sink in...maple syyyyruup. thankfully it is not sticky, that would be bad. just pure syrup. who knew? i noticed it about a week ago, then for a strange sort of confirmation, my student said to me, "mr. sparks, you smell like syrup". my response, "yes, yes i do". let me assure you, i have not been to any new age therapy sessions where syrup is involved, nor have i treated my dry calloused hands with a little aunt jamima love. hell, i havent even been to waffle house in a year. on a serious note, does anyone know if this is related to any medical conditions. all i can think of is some strange eating disorder, or perhaps,through my left hand, my body is finally expelling all those dreamy waffle house visits. anyways, come take a whiff, its like im carrying around a drippy syrup soaked pancake and its heaven.

if you are wondering?

traveling to chicago tomorrow. Beckham in the forcast. Grandma and good Scottish friend putting me up. look for photos in the future.

king of my single wide trailer

most of you think that i am a teacher by trade. i do get paid to teach, but this year it seems i did not receive the correct job description. it should have read...

show up at 715 unlock single wide trailer and get familiar with a pungent and untraceable odor
drink one nalgene bottle of black coffee (better hurry it gets cold by 743)
750 listen to parapro's golden corral experience
800 begin teaching social skills to those who skillfully say fu to social norms
819 if lucky, receive first cursing of the blessed morn
820 if lucky, remain calm, clear headed and positive ( chant to self, i can make a difference )
823 make mental note, perhaps a lesson on mercy, forgiveness... sanctification?
830 intro to lesson complete, coax "sons of liberty" into working for "the man" (that's me)
937 social skills class is complete. dismiss and escort 3 of your students to next class (dont let them cuss any other teachers, we pay you to listen to that)
944 biology... the study of life... convince children that yes we are alive, and yes, its worth living
950 continue brainstorming grand reason for improving their lives
952 remember, dont make those glorious reason sound cheesy, make them applicable and personal hint: if you catch yourself sounding like mr. rogers prepare your virgin ears for a colorful medley of slang and fu's
1000 set cruise control to "i think this is working"
1005 dont get confortable little johnny's staring at his own phlegm through a compound microscope
1102 pray someone made coffee in the lounge
1113 escort posse back to trailer, sprint to lounge
1120 us history
1121 for next hour discuss why it is important to learn about our history (do this step everyday)
1221 begin lesson
1225 review policy on cussing
1227 take would be cusser outside of trailer, call mother, call god, call taxi?
1256 take those cussers to get lunch, make them eat with you in your trailer
110 read news and blogs, sit in almost complete silence
129 math
130 now that the children have eaten their first meal in 24 hours expect energy!
133 attempt to direct that energy towards the most exciting and relevant math possible
150 after failing miserably for the last 17 minutes remember, last years teacher never taught math for more than 8 minutes during this hr and a half
151 and remember still, no one has ever returned to teach these children
155 be thankful you only signed a one year contract
200 call agent, opt out of second year deal
300 children thank me, tell me "have a good night"

laying tile, prying up tile, moving on

bag of grey dust
water from freshly plumbed pipe
in this cauldron
my witches brew

no meek man could turn
the recipe is thick
two fisted bent stick
chalk becomes a slurry

strategize to curb stress
chalk lines and internet
mesh back headdress
still must lay first stone

puddy knife paint brush
and back scratching trowel
sling mud across sub floor
mind searching for oh shit bar

escaping crisis with each stone
grout lines narrow
chalk lines gone missing
crafting this mistake

more water more batter
stone must be cut
saw must be repaired
knees and blade whine

each ridged stroke
gives way to unique square
slowly sub floor sleeps
joists long forgotten

sunset, elephant ass, and three great hugs

for the past few days my body has seen a lot of americas road. from chat, to chicago, to lake havasu. with the help of meg and a snotty gps, we have gotten off course, but never lost. been blessed to see my gram and my sister.

just a glimpse of my classroom. the jolly students below are the artists. they also memorize poetry and quotes every other week.

standardized test, like a Midwest tornado, is fast approaching. leaving no child left behind, and no government provided storm shelter. at times i feel defeated, the wind is picking up and my students are wanting to lie down.

if anyone is reading this that is tweaking with NCLB, may i suggest green tea, and a paint brush.

taking suggestions

put yourself in my shoes. i walk into tevis's (mr.knights's) class the other day and notice that the teacher he normally works with is not there. in her place is an innocent substitute. (at rossville, innocent substitutes are preyed upon like baby chinstrap penguins attempting to get to the open waters through the sea lion filled break) as i began to speak with tevis about his lovely situation i notice a student flip a rubberband at the substitute, whizzing inches from her 50's style fro.

what would you do? be creative, no corporal punishment, and suspension is rarely punishment for these gems.

this was my solution, i am sure that yours looks similiar.

he had to write 20 of these babies.

inside my head a fly did land
and yes it spoke to me.
it said to shoot a rubberband
and then write poetry.
i do not like to obey
and i do make bad decisions.
the fly was my boss today
tomorrow i'll listen to reason.


perhaps no teacher of the year solution, but it was effective and entertaining.

the new thirty?

Now that i am thirty i reflect on much. i feel like i can finally say with complete confidence and honesty that i did not fall off the turnip truck last night. it was actually closer to 11,000 nights ago. and as i think back, so much is blurred, like these pictures. selective memories, unwanted tragedies, but love too. i was a bit worried about turning a lovely 30, but it was great.

i celebrated with meg and some friends in chucktown. i am thirty, and i am so wonderfully happy.